Kids Are Inherently Assholes

I've heard it said more times than I care to count how sweet, awesome, and genuinely good children are.

I'm not entirely sure about the majority of the populace, but I can think back to my childhood and say with the utmost certainty that kids are fucking assholes. Don't let their wide-eyed innocence fool you for a second -- kids are jerks.

Allow me to delve into the general douchebaggery of children as a whole, using the various categories children fall into, and why this makes them total tools. It is my opinion that children fall into very distinct groups in terms of how much they sucked.

Example A: The Obvious Asshole Kid -- The Playground Bully

• General characteristics: The playground bully likes to beat the bejeezus out of his / her classmates. This type of child can be identified by a veritable potpourri of personality disorders and an alarmingly overactive pituitary gland. This kid is almost always a ginger (further proof that gingers have no souls) and is the type of kid who would get picked on if (s)he weren't so Christing huge.
• Why this kid is an asshole: Because he's the fucking playground bully, that's why.
• Celebrities who were probably this type of asshole: Carrot Top, Lucille Ball

Example B: The One All the Other Assholes Hate -- The Tattle Tale

• General characteristics: This kid needs to take some fucking Prozac or something. They ruin all the fun. When little Tommy snuck his pet snake into school to slip into Mary Sue's desk, this is the douchebag who told the teacher what happened. This type of childhood asshole will inevitably grow up to be the dreaded "Buzzkill".
• Why this kid is an asshole: This kid is always meddling in the business of all of the other kids and getting them in trouble with authority figures. What. An. Asshole.
• Celebrities who were probably this type of asshole: Barbara Walters, Joslyn James

Example C: The One Other Assholes Resent -- The Teacher's Pet

• General characteristics: This little douchebag wears a smug grin at all times because (s)he knows that in the teacher's eyes, (s)he can do no wrong. They can get away with the most fucked up shit of any kids, and the teacher never believes it was him/her, even when the tattle tale is crying foul 'til he's blue in the face.
• Why this kid is an asshole: Because they can get away with it.
• Celebrities who were probably this type of asshole: NCAA Basketball Coach John Calipari, Harry Potter

Example D: The Offensive Ones -- Kid Who Learned Swearing From Older Siblings

• General characteristics: These little assholes have the vocabulary of drunk Mel Gibson by the age of eight. It was taught to them by their older junior high / high school aged siblings, and they feel distinguished and cool whilst using this language. They make the other kids uncomfortable, in particular when alluding to "fucking their goddamn shitting asses up".
• Why this kid is an asshole: Even the playground bully shrinks away from them with fear and awed respect.
• Celebrities who were probably this type of asshole: Ozzy Osbourne

Example E: The Annoying Assholes -- Kid Who Does Elaborate Hand claps

• General characteristics: These kids, often female make up elaborate hand claps to go with rhymes, often by one Miss Mother Goose. They do these constantly and loudly, making recess and lunch time a deplorable experience.
• Why this kid is an asshole: They are really goddamn elitist, and the rhythmically coordinated kids are shunned by these assholes. They also never shut the hell up.
• Celebrities who were probably this type of asshole: Meg White, Keith Moon

Example F: The Inconvenient Assholes -- Lunch Line Cutter

• General characteristics: In the mad dash to the lunch line, this asshole would take his/her sweet time getting everything situated (as all kids would like to have been able to do) which would rightfully land them a place at the back of the line, right? Wrong. This particular asshole kid would then make their way close to the front of the lunch line and boldly cut in front of another, more deserving kid in line. If this kid got mad, they would then allow this kid to cut THEM in line, thus ending up behind the original kid they cut in line. Whenever the kid now behind them began to protest, this asshole would suddenly be rendered deaf, unable to hear the complaints arising from the line behind him/her.
• Why this kid is an asshole: Over-inflated sense of entitlement. They probably cheat at Heads-Up Seven-Up, too.
• Celebrities who were probably this type of asshole: Kanye West

Example G: The Mother Teresa Asshole -- The Goody-Two-Shoes

• General characteristics: This particular brand of childhood asshole traipses about with his/her holier-than-thou attitude and acts as though he/she is a benevolent and giving child when in actuality, they think they're better than all of the other children. They wear fucking cardigans.
• Why this kid is an asshole: Their general air of superiority and arrogance. And their cardigans. They probably grow up to wear ascots.
• Celebrities who were probably this type of asshole: Oprah, Anne Frank

Example H: The Assholes Who Hurt Other Kids -- The Over-zealous Dodgeball Player

• General characteristics: These are generally the boys who play a lot of sports and are trying to assert their male dominance over their classmates. They can be spotted throwing dodgeballs violently at the heads of other children and slapping high fives when there is bloodshed. A very dangerous type of asshole. They can often be found in their spare time pushing little girls down in the gravel, pulling their hair, and knocking kids off of the jungle gym.
  
• Why this kid is an asshole: They're a particularly dangerous kind of asshole in that they have been known to send other kids to the school nurse.
• Celebrities who were probably this type of asshole: The males from The Jersey Shore.

Example I: The Grating Ones -- The Girl Who Insults In Sing-Song

• General characteristics: At first glance, this sounds like a tolerable enough type of asshole, but don't be fooled. Beneath those pigtails lies a brain which is constantly scheming horrendous insults to her fellow classmates to be delivered in a sing-songy fashion. When poor Allison wore that skirt her mommy made her to school, this particular type of asshole could be heard across the playground: "Alllllison shops at Goooooodwill. Alllllison shops at Goooooodwill." They're also fans of sing-songing and spelling things out aloud, for example: "Roooooberto is stuuuuupid. S-T-U-P-IIIIII-D. Stupid, stupid, stuuuuupid!"
  
• Why this kid is an asshole: They make a mockery of your pain.
• Celebrities who were probably this type of asshole: Fergie, Gwen Stefani

Example J: The Fucking Scary Ones -- The Basket Case

• General characteristics: This kid eats glue, doesn't talk to the other kids at all, cuts his / her own hair, and has probably stapled his / her hand to the bulletin board at least once. They are incapable of normal social interaction and scare all of the other children. For show and tell, they brought in a dead squirrel they found outside. This type of asshole is fucking scary, and as such, should be avoided at all costs.
• Why this kid is an asshole: They scare the other kids shitless. They are like, asshole fucking royalty.
• Celebrities who were probably this type of asshole: Lady Gaga

So, there you have it.

Kids are assholes.